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When words fail

January 17, 08 //
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I’ve found out that Michael, the author of the blog One Foot in Front of the Other has died Jan 15th after a long struggle with cancer. He is an inspiring photographer, poet and human being. Michael, you have opened my eyes to the intimacy of life and death. Thank you.

I’ll reprint his last poem. It his hugely moving to me. I’m swallowed up. Can I feel the life spark? Can I feel the life spark? I’m afraid that I might not.

Fatigue

Looking in my bathroom mirror
I see the steady progress of death
as he moves like an eclipse
across my face

My skin grows more taut
my beard is shot through with gray
my eyes are increasingly bloodshot
I can’t recognize this person staring back at me –
in fact
this stranger is scaring me

My physical weakness astounds me
my arms don’t listen anymore
my sense of balance has forsaken me

But, blessing of blessings
I can still feel the life spark
I can still feel the life spark

Finding peace

January 5, 08 //
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Zumwalt Prairie

This photo was taken at the Zumwalt Prairie in Wallow County, Northeast Oregon. We were shown this wonderful place by our good friends Bill and Dianne French. Their interest in native prairies is infectious.

During zazen this morning, I saw my arrogance. I’m learning about myself and that is exciting. Sometimes we see things in ourselves that we are surprised by. I don’t know why I’m surprised by my arrogance. Maybe even that is a little arrogant. Funny how I now see it everywhere. How arrogant of me to deny my arrogance! A vicious cycle from which there seems no escape but there is and it is so easy. What do I mean by arrogance.

an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions
Merriam-Webster Online.

I can act this way. I can feel superior although I usually call it confident but there is a subtle difference. Confidence doesn’t have to mean “I’m right” or “I’m better”. It can be more restful. It can be more like the wind. The wind is not superior or inferior to anything else. It is confident in its windness without any sense of right or wrong.

Overbearing is a qualifier here and provides a bit of an out. Does the superiority have to be overbearing to be considered arrogance? Maybe in the classical sense but in my world I don’t fell like I can use any excuse for my arrogance. Overbearing or not arrogance is just arrogance.

I find it interesting that in the definition above there is the antidote to arrogance. Presumptuous assumptions are at or near the root of our arrogance. Presumptuous assumption means that we take mental constructs that are based on other mental constructs and say that that is reality.

drop the mental constructs
rest in the breath
drop the superiourity
rest in inter-being
drop the idea of “I’m right”
rest in not knowing
drop the confidence
rest in wonder
drop the assumptions
rest in the adventure

Stay hungry, stay foolish

January 1, 08 //
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Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

Here is the audio of the inspiring commencement address given by Steve Jobs. In it he reminds us that death is always with us. Great stuff. Here is a text article on the speech.

December Second

December 2, 07 //
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Father Moose

Sweetheart: So good to have her home again.

Dog: Energetic and this morning a little too boisterous in protecting is rawhide treat. He barked at the cats who were all safely upstairs. It was only 5am and the sweetheart was still in bed trying to sleep. Now the dog is sleeping soundly on his chair and peace is restored.

Cats: All the cats are old but do not show their age.

Homestead: Got the stove working properly again. Carbon build up on the thermal coupler. The Northern Red-shafted Flicker (Colaptes auratus) are back and they drive the dog crazy with their tapping on the walls of the house. It is a moral dilemma as what to do about them. They are destructive yet it is we who have invaded their habitat and it is we who actually put out feeders that seem to attract them. Talk about being the cause of your own suffering. We continue to struggle with what to do about a tractor. The snow season is on us and we can not plow the drive.

Work: My responsibilities are expanding as the department is growing. We now have one off site facility and are looking at constructing a second. Staffing, equipping and training are going to be a big focus. Over the last several weeks we have been going through a corporate wide disaster planning and business continuance process review. It is no fun dreaming up possible disaster scenarios and planning responses. Necessary but no fun.

Practice: My zazen supports me. My back pain has returned. I am convinced that it is stress related. In the morning – no pain at all. As the day progresses my back becomes tighter and tighter. By the time I get home from work, I have a difficult time sitting for 25 minutes because of the pain yet as soon as I stand up and move around the pain is gone. When I’m on retreat there is no back pain. This pain is not some structural defect in my spine but a muscular tension caused by my mental states and probably a relaxed attitude to my posture.

Adventure: Getting ready to make brunch. Poached eggs with roasted roots. Yummy. Sunday Brunch is my thing. This morning we are going out snowshoeing with our friend Pat. This will be the first time this season we have gone out. Today should be good snowshoeing over on the mountain. The forecast for today is: “SNOW LIKELY. SNOW LEVEL 2000 FEET. CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION 80 PERCENT”. The forecast for tomorrow is rain with highs in the low 50′s. Tomorrow will not be a good day for snowshoeing.

A Partial History of My Stupidity

September 16, 07 //
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Traffic was heavy coming off the bridge
and I took the road to the right, the wrong one,
and got stuck in the car for hours.

Most nights I rushed out into the evening
without paying attention to the trees,
whose names I didn’t know,
or the birds, which flew heedlessly on.

I couldn’t relinquish my desires
or accept them, and so I strolled along
like a tiger that wanted to spring,
but was still afraid of the wildness within.

The iron bars seemed invisible to others,
but I carried a cage around inside me.

I cared too much what other people thought
and made remarks I shouldn’t have made.
I was slient when I should have spoken.

Forgive me, philosophers,
I read the Stoics but never understood them.

I felt that I was living the wrong life,
spiritually speaking,
while halfway around the world
thousands of people were being slaughtered,
some of them by my countrymen.

So I walked on–distracted, lost in thought–
and forgot to attend to those who suffered
far away, nearby.

Forgive me, faith, for never having any.

I did not believe in God,
who eluded me.

– Edward Hirsch

I love TED

April 17, 07 //
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TED (Technology + Entertainment + Design) is the coolest conference I know of. Unfortunately it is expensive and always sold out. Thanks to the hard work of many and the availability of broadband Internet, TED puts hundreds of videos of their speakers online.

This is the first best example of the democracy of ideas and the Democracy of the Internet. An example of the greatest good for humanity. I have not watched a TED speaker and not had my world completely rocked. Also TED’s new website is beautiful!

The Curse of Knowledge

February 10, 07 //
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Knowing things can be a hindrance. I’ve always sort of had this inkling but I’ve never been able to articulate it. This morning I came across a blog posting on “Success Begins Today” that helps clear things up for me.

Yet what usually happens… Most people start from the outside (knowledge) and try to work inwards (center) only to find that there isn’t a core at all.

This describes some aspects of myself. In some areas I’ve labored to start by finding and operating from core or center. Other ares I’ve leaned too heavily on my knowing power. The difference seems to be this dependence on knowledge rather than experience.

Good stuff. Zen strikes from the oddest places sometimes. I’ll have to sit with this more.

It’s a new year

January 1, 07 //
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New year and a clean slate. Funny how we have to what for January 1 to see what is true in every moment. A new moment -> opportunity abounds -> the pond reflects the moon -> leaves fall on the trail.

Typically, I’ve toyed with a resolution at this time of renewal. Yesterday I read Steve Pavlina’s post about setting your primary focus. What I took away from this the idea of broadening the concept of a resolution. Instead of a narrowly focused goal like losing 15 pounds or working out three times a week he suggests that we look at very broad areas of life. An advantage of this over the usual resolution is that it is easier to remember and you can be creative in the execution.  So, while I was out on a walk with Mary and Boykan, it came to me. The Big Outdoors. Spend time outdoors! There it is, no expectations of more, linked to nature and the weather, a place of solstice. Just spend time outdoors. So many of the peripheral things in my life would be supported by spending time outdoors. Meditation, photography, exercise, health, fitness, poetry, walking, connecting with nature, exercising the dog, camping, snowshoeing, landscape maintenance, bicycling, backpacking, writing, stretching, service.

Of course this means less blogging and participation in Open Source projects. Or maybe I’ll just have to become more efficient by not reading the “River Of News” that comes to my rss reader. That alone would free up so much time. Trade one for two – still one. How to get rid of the one? Still busy doing.

When a thing is done, it’s done.
Don’t look back. Look forward to your next objective.
          ~ George Marshall

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule,
but to schedule your priorities.
          ~ Stephen Covey

Posted with Brad Sucks & Suzanne Teng in my ear.

Death Penalty Map

December 31, 06 //
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World wide status of the death penalty



Brown — Yes
Blue — No
Green — Maybe
Tan — Abolished in practice?
credit — Wikipedia

I live in the brown.

“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing,
there is a field, I’ll meet you there,” prayed Rumi.

Winter Refrigerator

December 29, 06 //
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Winter Refrigerator

I’ve talked about our refrigerator before. Some things change and some things stay the same. Here you can see winter fruits and store bought veggies. We still have some carrots and beets from the summer. These keep great. Same water bottles and the condiments haven’t yet expired. I missed a couple of days posting as we had another wind storm which while not as strong as the last one it did cause problems with our Internet connection. This posting every day is hard. See you tomorrow.

Will

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